part of her life

2012-01-09T21:20:00.002+08:00

I think there's a time whereby people feel restless and tired to carry on in life. I'm going through that phase now. Its like I'm too tired to care about anything else except studying and dating. Oops. I admit, I'm really tired of working , tired of doing things which don't get me any return, tired of dealing with friends who don't deserve my friendship. In short, I need a break.

Have a strong urge to just quit my part time job now and go back to breadtalk. Ya, i know, its damn stupid. But, that's the place where I feel really happy working. The place that kept me smiling and laughing no matter how tired I was. If only my ex colleague were still there :(

So now, I'm giving a serious thought of taking up a part time job in the retail sector. BUT, I know my end decision will still be to stay where I am, which is demoralizing. Think I should go seek GUAN YIN MA for advice soon. Or maybe counselling services. Zzz.

2012-01-01T23:19:00.002+08:00

Realized its been one year since i last updated. Probably I've been so pissed off by something which makes me come back to this secret private corner.

Sometimes, people wonder what will happen to them in the future, say 10 years later? Would you still be hanging out with the same best friend you had in secondary school? Would you still remain the same innocent you? Or would the environment somehow changed you entirely?

Like everybody else, I used to have a best friend too. I thought our friendship would be lasting, even if not forever. I realized how much people can change. And just yesterday, I realized I don't know how to face you anymore. No matter how you'll deny, you've changed. That's a fact. Appearance changing for the better, but sad to say, not the personality wise. Or maybe we have different values now, which is always the reason why even best friends can become foes.

And trust me, I really want to keep this friendship, but you really disappoint me yesterday. I wonder whether you treat me as a friend in the first place. If you do, you won't make that kind of decision. I wish you could really know the real reason behind why I'm angry, but since you insist that you did nothing wrong, I have nothing more to say.

So what will become of us 10 years later?

2011-01-26T23:08:00.002+08:00

i'm emo. i wanna go far far away and never come back. why must i be the one making excuses to tell myself he has his reasons for doing things. why can't he understand my thinking. why must i act tough when i really am not. why am i only telling myself why i'm unhappy. why am i not happy.

2010-12-04T19:26:00.002+08:00

i have alot of things i wana say, to that special friend of mine.
and i wanted to call him alot of times.
but even if i call, can we still behave like what we used to be?
and i start to wonder whether things between us can be just like the past.
when we could share our unhappiness, whats going on in my daily life, and whats making me happy.
i can't say we're strangers now, but somehow it just isn't the same anymore.
i never thought we would become this way, whereby i duno whats going on in your life anymore, and vice versa.
i thought we will always be that way.
and why would things turn out this way then.

i always treated you as more then a friend, more like family, someone who i believe i will always be there for when he's down, which i believe you will do the same for me as well.
i really miss you :(

if somehow i need a shoulder someday, would you still be there for me?

2010-10-24T20:55:00.003+08:00

So what is it now, oh what does it matter..
my mind is spinning around and around
So what are we now, after yesterday all that has happened.
i tried to keep telling myself, its all the same ending now and forever.
nothings gonna happen, oh dreams just doesn't come true
and now nothing really matters.

they say being a young boy gives you chances to play,
but they didn't think of the point that girls doesn't like to be played.
so what will happen when we all grows old?
are you still gonna play?

don't fool urself that we're worth a try,
coz if you really love me, there should be a forever.
don't tell me that you don't know the future,
when you know we are just impossible...

coz its all just lies... just lies...
which girls still falls inside
and cry when everything is over

because it really is over...

2010-10-08T21:50:00.002+08:00

现在的心真的很乱，不知道下一步应该怎么走。
对你来说，我到底是谁。
朋友，陌生人吗？
虽然我还满希望我们有天可以在一起，但是你给我的感觉却是根本就没有可能。这才令人伤心嘛。
很想问你好让我也至少有一个答案，不需要再作无谓的猜测。但是，还是没那份勇气。
真的好烦啦！

2010-09-23T20:15:00.002+08:00

you're the one i would turn to when i'm down.
you're the one i would call when there's something happy i want to share.

and i know i'll be sad tomorrow, thats why i asked you to prepare to answer my call and hear my cry.
i know how silly it is to fall over such things, but i still need somebody there somehow.
and i chosed you.

a million thanks for being there, cheering me up when i'm down, knowing i'm sad when i show my happy face to the world.

maybe its true, we came into this world alone, so whats wrong with ending it alone as well?

2010-09-11T19:50:00.001+08:00

feeling very confused now....
sometimes, i'm really thinking of giving up.
i dunwan to be so revolved around him.
it makes me so tired.
damnnnnnnn.

i dunooooooooo what to think at alllllllll.
sian.

2010-08-25T22:07:00.002+08:00

i thought i gave up, turns out its just another phase that i'm going through. or maybe i've been trying to surpress whatever i've been feeling, and now its becoming hard to control because i can feel it exploding.

now every decision i made become so clear, the reason behind it is so clear and yet i've missed it in the past. because of you, i didn't want any other, because deep down i'm still waiting for something so impossible. because i believe in myself, and i always end up letting myself down and sorry.

who else will be there when i'm really at my lowest? don't trust me when i say i'm okay, i'm fine, i'm doing good. because like any other girls, i don't mean it. i'm still a girl after all. if only you would show a lil bit more care, my tears won't keep falling, and i'll not feel as vulnerable. its so hard to be strong sometimes. and i'm ready to collapse, i've been trying so hard. but now i know its no use.

2010-08-20T20:18:00.001+08:00

why should i care anyway...........
stupid idiot, so many years and you still don't understand.
or maybe you do and just don't wanna face it.

I DON'T CAREEEEE!

:(

2010-08-15T19:40:00.002+08:00

somehow when things go wrong, they just go all the way wrong. i keep thinking something bad would happen now, but i can't point out what. and at this point of time, i really wana talk to somebody, but i duno what i can say. i can't even pinpoint out what is making me so uncomfortable. my heart is uncomfortable. i want to settle some things, but i duno what. and my dun care attitude isn't taking me very far.

to say the truth, i'm quite stress up. maybe its because of work. or maybe because of other things. growing up means u have to face alot of people issues, and i dun think i'm really for that. i'm still quite fragile, i cry over lil things, over stupid things. and i really feel like doing that now. i know nobody can untie this knot except myself. sometimes, i really hate myself.

2010-08-11T22:40:00.002+08:00

quite a down day today. but thanks to andrew, i'm feeling much much better now. never knew that a small chat would matters much yea? haha, but thats just what a need. some care, some concern and some talk. and yea, some people around me makes me feel loved. but nothing can be taken for granted, that i know.

i should just lead my own life and carry on walking my own path, and believe that everything will go well in the end. even if it does not go my way, its still a lesson to be learnt in every way.

okay, and maybe next year, i will really go and sing ge tai. hahahhah!
just thought of my twin's name.
guy: clement
girl: heidi

ewwww....
now i really need a break, to go overseas and relax, have fun.........

2010-08-08T14:23:00.002+08:00

yes, i'm 20 soon. people always say you have to grow up when you reach a certain age. you can't continue to be so innocent and believe everybody. you have to differenciate the good guys and the bad guys. you have to decide yourself the path you want to go.

i know i'm getting older. i won't say i'm childish. but from my looks and behaviour, people really won't believe that i'm emotionally matured. even though i look kiddy, and i tend to get overexcited like a lil kid, but i'm not. just that i wish everything is simple and humans are actually kind in nature. but sometimes, it gets abit hard for me to see the fake ones and the real ones. why do people have to act?

think i'm starting to lose myself as well. i really wish i don't have to grow up.
am i really that innocent as everyone think i am?

2010-07-25T11:08:00.001+08:00

everything just starts to happen the same way it used to happen before. now i'm starting to think i have a curse on myself.

maybe its just not fated yet.
i hate myself like seriously.
but i hate them more.

2010-07-24T20:19:00.002+08:00

how do you know if a guy wants you or your body? thats the question thats always lingering. i wanted to judge it for myself, make my own decision without any other suggestions swaying my thoughts. and yes, i'm scared i'll take the wrong step.

because i really can't trust guys. and yet, i don't care anymore. why should i? when all the past experience have already proved me right. and here i am wishing you'll proved me wrong. and it'll be yet another mistake. except this time, a larger one.

2010-07-18T09:03:00.002+08:00

they say you're somewhere in this world, so why can't i find you?
are you even there in the first place.
will i have the courage to believe that it is true?

2010-07-10T20:01:00.002+08:00

its been so long since i updated.
my temper has been really bad recently. mad over little things that really doesn't matter.
cannot really stand certain people now. i've become so .... bad.
really have a strong urge to go overseas now.
maybe studying overseas may not be that bad after all, if only i have that kind of money.

thinking back, when is my life really good?
i couldn't remember any part of my past which i can consider them really happy.
seems like i had a bad childhood. haha.
but not about that at all.

time just seems to fly right now.
but the memories remain.
i hate bad memories.

2010-07-06T21:13:00.003+08:00

just had a feeling of leaving this town and going for overseas study. if not for the hugeeeeee expenses, i might already have gone.

have a bad feeling for july. and guess i'm right. i seem to have used up my luck in june. now i just wana rest well and... do nothing at all.

2010-06-25T22:33:00.002+08:00

this is one of my down down down days.
the day when i feel troubled.
like i want to talk to somebody, but i have no idea what i wana talk about.
the day i feel really out of touch with everybody.
when i really feel bad about everything that happened.
when i feel really paranoid and i think too much of little things.

maybe i should really think for myself in future.
say no to things i don't want to do.
and not be a yes girl anymore.

so who am i?
i still don't really know what kind of person i really am.
deep inside, just what kind of personality do i have?
i'm so confused i'm gonna have split personality soon.
why do i not know what i am.....

2010-06-23T21:34:00.002+08:00

am super duper mad over my hotmail! cannot view any mail at all, its all in a mess and i'm very pissed! argh.

okay. i've been so bored these days because somebody has been having fun overseas. i hope he bought soveniers, but not much hope. hahaha!

okay, got so much things to say. but not gonna say it today.

so bye.

2010-06-19T21:59:00.002+08:00

finally, i'm gonna have a lil bit of freedom in July! hopefully. even though i'm so gonna miss the peeps there, but we can always hang out for movies or dinner or whatever right? and i can meet my other friends as well. because i really miss them alot.

and then time seem to pass so uber fast nowadays. especially when we started working, when we turn 20s, when we felt like actually we are a grown up now. and then we refer to those 17 years old as xiao didi and xiao meimeis. HAHAHA! but its true, i kinda miss the past when i'm still schooling and meeting my friends everyday, ending class at 4pm and hanging out elsewhere after that. so carefree! but we gotta grow up one way or another right? time is flying by so quickly i feel very old now.

and because time is flying by so quickly, i start to question myself the purpose of being here. is life really just to study, get a degree, start work, ~~get married and have kids~~, then retire, and then waiting for death? it sounds just like an online game to me! yea, life is that boring. but then i found my purpose just now.

:)

2010-06-18T20:56:00.002+08:00

life is really very fragile. what would you do if someday your best friend is gone and not coming back forever. would you regret that there are actually somethings you wanted to tell them but its too late? would you feel that you should have shown more appreciation for them when they are beside you? would you have tell them just how important they matter to you? and yes, i'm one of the bad friends who don't really show my friends how important they actually mean to me. but yes, they are important and change a big part of my life. i'm learning how to cherish because you never know who's going to leave you the next minute in life.

sometimes, i feel that my feelings are very inaccurate. thats why i don't trust my feelings very much nowadays. hahaha! but its okay, things just happen either way. just like i wanted to share good news, but i'm scared that after i share the good news, somehow or other the good news will turn into bad news that kinda thing.

okok, shall end here and watch my animal channel! bye....

2010-06-12T23:30:00.002+08:00

this is an affirmation post dedicated to this somebody to taught me the five languages of love.
this somebody who taught me that platonic friendship is a real treasure.
and boy am i glad to be able to meet you in this lifetime.
through time, you have become a brother so close to me that i don't know what i would do if someday you are not here with me.
because i'm so used to telling you everything thats happening to me.
because i'm so used to you knowing what i'm thinking even before i say my thoughts out loud.
because i'm so used to the phone calls when i'm on the bus or mrt.
because you were there at the period when i'm lost and down and don't know what i wanted in life.
because you are such a necessity in my life that i couldn't imagine how my life would be like if i lost you.

and i just wanted to say thank you for everything.
for appearing in my life.
for letting me understand things that i wouldn't know how to apprehend in the past.
for letting me know the power of true friendship.

may this friendship of ours stay strong in the years to come.
and that goes likewise for all my friends.
even if we do not stay in touch that often, you all still occupy a space in my heart, whenever you may be.

:)

2010-06-04T21:56:00.002+08:00

sometimes, i really don't get why i'm doing something i don't want to do. and i'm usually very true to myself which is to say that i usually don't do things that i don't like to do! and i dread tml all of a sudden. going as an outsider is really no fun at all. and suddenly i have no mood, not that i'm anti or what, or you can choose to think that way, i don't really care. but.... argh.

okay... its the last time i promise that i'll do this kinda thing. looking forward to everyday because of the fun working environment. and i really hope things will continue this way. but it takes effort to keep everybody together sometimes.

2010-05-29T22:25:00.002+08:00

i cried today, something which i really wanted to do so long ago.
thank you, for helping me to let it out.
because you know me so well, even better than myself.
and i thank you for that, because you let me see myself.

because i'm going through a down period nobody would understand.
because sometimes i hate myself so much i wish i was never born.
because i think i've changed so much to somebody i don't even like.
i hate myself.

but i feel much better after the crying.
and i'll remember to live for myself now.
and none of them would understand.

2010-05-28T13:16:00.003+08:00

i'm sleep deprived.

then... about some other things... i duno whether i should or should not...
very confused...
now i'm troubled....
over what?
its so hard to describe.

i need sleep so badly now, seriouslyyyyyyyyyy.

2010-05-22T19:53:00.002+08:00

i'm so so so so so so shagggg today. not that i'm unhappy at work. just so tired i really wana take a break and sleep at home for 24 hours. and my muscle is starting to build up because of the trays i've been wiping today. lols! had a good chat with thomas about stuffs.

oh! and i met a bitch today after work. dare to ask me to support duno what thing for $10. told her i forgot to bring my wallet which is true because i was in a rush this morning. and guess what? she was saying to her friend "omg, how can she forgot to bring her wallet when she goes to hf?" IN FRONT OF MY FACE. wth. lucky i didn't donate anything. seriously.

was really planning to tell my manager that i wana quit bt in june. but he didn't come today. is it a hint that maybe i shouldn't quit now?

for some reason, i feel like a bitch again. and i guess thomas is right, life would be so much simpler if there's only friendship and kinship, without bgr. i would love that kind of life :)

2010-05-20T20:27:00.002+08:00

what does love mean?
will you really accept the person as who they are since you love them?
whether or not they look good or not good, whether they are clever or stupid or weird or whatever?
and accept their flaws and imperfections?
i know i'll do that, if i truly like that person.
so just give me a hug and let me know i'm loved, appreciated and whatever, coz i badly need a hug now.

hais, whatever. gonna be on leave again tml. and with a stupid reason. don't think my boss would be very happy either. and i've taken near to two days leave for this month already. argh. i feel so sian now. need a full time entertainer.

2010-05-19T20:55:00.002+08:00

well.. i just received a rejection letter from NTU today. so means i'll most probably be rejected by NUS as well. and most probably i'll stay in my full time job, and most probably quitting my part time job. lols. i mean, being rejected is fine. BUT being nagged to study a private uni by my dad is NOT fine at all. coz i don't really wana take up private studies now that i have yoga and work and no money. i have really no time to study at all. so maybe i'll wait for 2 years after the yoga contract is over, then i'll consider studying again.

oh, and i dyed my hair black, highlighted it brown! and NOBODY NOTICED THE DIFFERENCE! sad right, and its damn expensive also. walao. but i like it, coz now i look abit younger. hahaha!

i want to quit that stupid bread job seriously. i wana play and relax and have fun wearing non office clothes and no breadtalk uniform obviously. but i couldn't stand leaving my colleagues there. coz they always make me laugh and i had fun there even when i'm really tired working like that. hais.

2010-05-17T22:22:00.002+08:00

just came back from a outing with fz and clara. and i don't know whether its due to the invisible stress that i had, or whether i'm burned out from the 7 days work week or whatever, fz say i look alot more haggard since the last time he saw me, which is like 1 month ago. lols. and i look like super tired. i'm sorry, but i am tired, really really really tired.

i feel like giving up now. that stupid part time job which pays like damn lil. what am i holding on for when there's no results? i can practically feel the haggardness in me already. okay, i've decided. i'm going to quit after i receive my uni results. lets hope i'll stick to what i've decided. hahaha.

just read her blog, and lets just say she's a lil girl. and facing a marriage?! i mean, now then she's starting to doubt everything. i hope everything will clear up for her. i really have a soft spot for lil girls recently.

OKAY, I PROMISE I WILL QUIT BY END OF JUNE. SAY GOODBYE TO BREADS FOREVER. I REALLY CAN'T STAND IT :(
tired til i wana die.................................

2010-05-15T19:59:00.002+08:00

刚刚在fb又无缘无故找到了它的网站。那是一个我曾经多么喜欢的人。为了他，我不知流了多少眼泪。最后还是狠下心的把他从我的生活从此按了一个delete button。是的，我是被他玩过，是他让我对全世界的男生都失去了信心。不过，原来有些事不是你不去想就一定可以不想的。原来他已经跟另外一个她订婚了。还是一个我觉得真的是哪一类我讨厌的人。过了那么久，看到这个消息还蛮有想哭的感觉。不过，这不值得吧。他这种男人，真的不值的原谅。

一切就到此为止吧。我也不会再多想了。

2010-05-15T19:07:00.003+08:00

i'm feeling very down down down recently. the feeling of this tiredness is really pulling me down. and i really thought i'm a superwoman who can work everyday. seriously, i must be crazy. and i'm starting to wonder whether its all really worth it at all. and i was crying on the bus today on my way to work, for no reason at all. why? i don't know either, there must be something seriously wrong with me right.

anyway, i went to karaoke yesterday! like finally after duno how many years. hahaha. and i really love my own voice can. but i love the mic even more :)
please anybody, jio me to singggggggggg. i'll be real happy.

i really have alot to write, but i duno how to start with everything.

2010-05-09T19:42:00.002+08:00

i knew today would be a really good day, and i'm right! the day went exceptionally well actually with all my loved ones around me. hahaha!

i know who are the ones that i really cherish in my life. but actually i'm very confused about him. and i don't know what to make of my feelings, i don't even know what will happen. but its okay, i will still work as long as he's there. and it really takes alot of energy to do that. argh.

will tml be a great day also?

2010-05-07T21:56:00.002+08:00

i've been feeling rather down these days. i don't know whether its pms or whether its work or whatever. just feel like crying in the office today, and i really don't know what i'm emo over. thats so silly. but after i get some well spent time with myself today, i was okay. its just that i have become really anti social recently for some reason. and i'm really tired over stuffs.

i think i'm happy because i went shopping? spending money makes me happy for a while. hahahha!

i'm really looking forward to weekends, because of work! but i'm scared the more i look forward to something, the higher disappointment i will get. things always happen. and i have really kan kai alot actually. i mean, i don't really care whats the ending as long as i've tried my best in everything i do. but well, humans are still feeling creatures after all.

anyway, will be celebrating mother's day tml! and i'm meeting my hui cheng on sunday! miss her like hell already. hahahah.

and oh ya, i got pissed off by a bastard the day before. but its okay. now i hate all bastards!

2010-05-03T21:26:00.003+08:00

i realised there's a taboo everytime i like some guy. coz i'm one who believes in horoscopes, and i will definately check the horoscopes everytime, and once i checked, its like gone. but i'm just really curious and all that.

okay, so maybe i've decided to stay on with my weekend job because of somebody. and its not that silly because i've got income coming in. just that i'll feel wasting my youth if nothing happen at all. but its still my choice, and i'll take it the way it goes.

he's smart
he's quick-witted
we have things in common
he's funny
he's practical
he's somewhat like me
he's what i wanted
i love to just see him even if its just 2 days per week
even if we don't really chat much anyways
yes, i like him.
and then everything turns complicated.

but yea, i'm still being a bitch and everything.
because the right one haven't appear.

2010-04-30T20:36:00.002+08:00

i finally went to visit him today! first time ever. and its at sengkang, the journey alone can make me mad, but it was worthwhile :)
at least i know he's feeling better and all. and it kinda let me knows that maybe i would want to pursue my career as a social worker after all.

but doesn't it hurt to get back that past feeling again. i'm acting like it doesn't matter, but it really do affect me sometimes. i remember how i hide in the washroom and cry like mad the last time similar things happen. but now... i'm not gonna repeat that again. gotta be strong somehow. esp when i already know the ending.

anyway, i brought my lucky four leaf poodle out today. thats the one i bought when he went in for the first time. and that poodle really bring me good luck. i shall bring it to work so that good luck will follow me, and somehow i feel motivated with it around me :D

well.. i bought my hair spray and comb today, hopefullyyyyyy i can style my hair exactly the same like how the salon do it for me. if not its gonna be so ugly. seriously.

2010-04-28T20:34:00.002+08:00

i should have known what would happen the moment i saw the heavy thoughts on his blog, but its too late. i really hope he get well soon, my heart aches for him everytime something like this happen to him. i hope he gets well soon, really. he's the only guy friend that i care about so much.

well.. anyways. i was practically working like a horse today. tired to the extent that my own voice is shivering at the end of the day. LOL! never been so tired before. but it is a very fruitful day though, so its okay. and i met a very sweet girl who came for interview today! i think i fell in love with her at first sight. i know its so weird, with a girl?! but she's really sweet and i like her alot really. maybe its sign that i'm changing ya?

i'm gonna go for a haircut tml! cutting it short! i think i will regret, but heck. long hair is so troublesome. goodbye, long hairrrrrrrrrr!

2010-04-27T22:29:00.001+08:00

i always screw myself up in the same direction, over and over again.
repeated countless times of the same mistakes. and yet, i'm still not backing out of all that.
stupidddddddd.

2010-04-26T19:36:00.002+08:00

sometimes... i think i still want him back after all the bad things he done, after the torture that he let me go through, the heartbroken feeling he brought me. i still feel like maybe i want him back in my life, even if i'll suffer another heartbreak. what still matters? i don't know anymore. i just know that he's a bastard for cheating on his gf again and again. how do i know? i have my ways of course. maybe all cheaters are lidat, they leave you wanting for more when in reality they don't care about you or your presence for that matters.

i only cried for three guys, and i clearly remember who they are. those are the ones whereby i gave my heart, and they left me heartbroken because they just do for some reason. and yes, i always seem to meet the bad guys. and when i met some decent ones, i don't have feelings for them. whats wrong with me.

i want to go somewhere where nobody knows me at all. somewhere i will be appreciated because i have a great personality. somewhere where nobody will judge anybody else because they believe all are equal and special in their own ways. somewhere where people are always nice and funny and friendly. because this world is so cruel it makes me wana stay away.

i'm not emo making this post, just thoughts at the moment.

2010-04-25T19:29:00.002+08:00

i've been really tired recently, to the extent that i really don't feel like talking to anybody even. pimples are popping out like crazy, and i'm having stupid thoughts of having a haircut, to very very very very short. cause i think hair is the roots of trouble. LOL! oh yea, i'm going crazy. there are loads of stuffs for me to settle. but i'm just to tired i don't feel like doing anything at all.

have to settle graduation stuffs, my passport renewal and so on. i feel so sian. why is life so sian. anyway, had a happy chat with those bakers today. they never fails to make me laugh. actually its the people there that i like. but it still doesn't give me the kind of motivation to not quit. its really quite tough taking up 2 jobs. i have no rest time at all.

plus, i'm worried about him. but i know he'll be fine, as always. god bless him.

have been going out this week. and rejected some outings this week. hopefully i can stick to my schedule next week. oh, and my haircut! i'm gonna cut off the roots of trouble!

2010-04-18T19:02:00.002+08:00

i remember i used to look for that tortoise sign on my msn whenever i go online, just to see if he's there. but not so anymore, in fact, i stop like monthsssssssss ago which i'm so proud of myself. i can finally know how he feels at that time. and i feel stupid. but its my choice, so i don't regret either way.

went for work as usual today. and i'm telling myself i WILL quit soon, maybe in may or after june. i really want to have my own life back, some leisure time spent with my family and friends instead of just working like a horse. but oh yea, i'm a horse.

and i'm gonna start my resolution starting tml! i should have started in jan, but oh well. its still alright to start now right? hahaha.

working again tml. just let me close some positions cannnnn. argh.

2010-04-16T21:01:00.000+08:00

passed yet another day... but today was abit more fun than yesterday. at least i laughed more. hahahah. and colin treated us to dim sum today! yesterday my boss treated us to crystal jade! so good right?! its hard not to get fat in this company really.

anyway, i broke a new record in my bank account today. a new lowwwwwwwww record. argh. its pathetic, i think i have to live on grass from now on. and bt's pay is damn pathetic. HAIS. what to do, i think i'll quit soon. no point working like a dog when the pay is like that. :(

please just let me close those positions. i really wana earn commission!!!!!

now my life is just like work work and work. i hardly have anytime left to myself at all. becoming quite anti nowadays, and thats bad. super! i hate this kind of lifestyle. but i don't feel like changing. i'm just so lazy i know. and now, i think i really don't care about the thing i used to care anymore. not even that kind of want. maybe working really takes it all away. hahaha. and twin is so funny to tell me how she handles her virtual friends' wants online. argh. but they deserve it! stupid bastards.

2010-04-15T20:58:00.002+08:00

time really flies. its been 3 weeks since i last started work. and i just realised when i was looking at my mailbox that says 3 weeks ago.... omg. shocked! i really wana get the commission from the job. but its so hard, and i don't think i can reach that target. hais. nvm, i'll still try my best nonetheless.

i've been missing my school life nowadays. there's still no news from the 2 unis that i've applied for. and i think my current job will end up to be my permanent one. another chui matter. so i'll have to end up going SIM then. i miss hanging out with my friend. but work already takes up so much of my energy and time that i have none left to go anywhere else.

i wish time would just slow down and let me have a cool down period. its moving too fast. my fav colleague is gone, and i'll be so sian in my workplace. i have nothing to update actually, but i just wana write for the sake of writing.

ah, whatever. i'll just stop here. crappy boring life i have now. argh.

2010-04-14T22:11:00.002+08:00

i'm really getting fatter and fatter nowadays. i eat alot and alot and sit sit sit. argh. yoga doesn't help either plus i'm getting so lazy nowadays. zzz.

oh yea, work is ......... i duno. feel abit lost now. not very sure if i really wanted to continue in that path. and my dear yuli is quitting tml. i just miss her like hell when she's gone. hais. had a really great time with her today.

i'm tired. i need sleep badly. so bye!

2010-04-11T19:51:00.002+08:00

i finally started my HAI PAI TIAN XIN! omg. i love rainie to bits. just that character is mesmerizing enough. maybe thats what weekends are for, to relax and take it easy. but i had a great time working too. and there's money!

whatever. from tml onwards, i'm going to start my own life, a new beginning, new schedule which i am going to stick to. and i will shift out every tuesday for my friends. aren't you all lucky fellow. hahhaha. just one day per week. so precious can.

okay, thats all for today. i'm back to my show :)

2010-04-10T17:07:00.002+08:00

its been so long since i updated. some things had happened over these few days. i just feel like my life is so exciting this month. but after the excitement, i feel like having some peaceful days. and after that, i would want that kind of excitement again. am i crazy or what?!

actually not alot happen . but just to sum up, i'm being a bitch all and all. oh yes, i just care about myself and not others. whatever, i don't even want to care anymore. that makes me think that i'm a true virgo horse person. i really treasure my freedom alot.

i know what my friends think about me. that i wasn't lidat in the past and all that. but they didn't go through the experience i had that made up what i am today. so they're not in the position to judge me, or so i thought. even they do, i don't think i want to care. its too tiring. i just don't like conforming to other's standards of me. yea, i'm selfish. but i treat every one of my friend dearly. i really do treasure them alot. they're my greatest support in no matter what things i've done. and i hope they'll be forever. anyhow, i won't do stupid things again.

anyway, i went work for 4hours today. and i'm off tml! great!

2010-04-05T20:54:00.002+08:00

i'm glad things are now fine between us, no more cold war. and of course, i really wanted him to know how special a friend he really is to me. thats why i didn't want us to become like me and clara in the past whereby we quarrel and war for like 2 yrs? but i'm soooooooo glad that we turns out fine in the end. and so close now. not to mention my maggie who shows me support and stay on my side every now and then :)

well... i feel very down today for some reason. i received an email and my heart totally knotted itself after i read it. it knotted further into a dead knot when i read the blog. i mean, i feel kinda sorry and bad about what happen. and when i encounter this kind of problems, clara is always the first one i'll turn to. maybe because we had the same encounters most of the time. haha. i just love her for being so similar to me and giving me so much support. i'll really like to talk about this incident with my best guy friend of course. but i didn't want to start another war. oh, my heart is still knotted now. i really feel so....... hais. i really don't mind to be friends though.

anyway, i sucks at work today. i sent the wrong email with the wrong content. i hope my boss won't fire me after probation. its so hard for me to find a job with the environment that i like and won't fall asleep in. gonna meet ming hui tml, hopefully she won't ps me like the two girls today. kns de. lol.

i feel very tired holding that heavy mouse of mine at home, because the mouse in the office is super light. weird right? AND I SHOULD HAVE GONE YOGA TODAY! tsk. i'm so lazy i want to just beat myself up. argh.

suddenly, i just feel like having a primary school gathering. even if i'm not close with them at all. lols. its good to have a gathering once in a while to just catch up and have fun though. i would really love that.

2010-04-04T20:19:00.002+08:00

friendship is getting rather strained because of somebody, or so i think. and i might really have been the loose girl that he think i am. i thought i would really care how others view me. but turns out that i don't really care at all. and its pointless trying to get my meaning and thoughts across when people just don't understand why i'm thinking this way or what kind of person i really really really am. so yea, my point is, nobody really understands me at all!

working as usual today, or rather as usual everyday. i'm really looking forward to a breadtalk gathering soon. its like i can be so happy around those guys, maybe because they crap too much, or maybe because they're sort of easy going like me. hahaha. and free drinks and bread and laughter! i love it!

something weird happened today. which caused a little bit of uneasiness in me really. and i don't know what to do at all. its so confusing. its like you have to be hurt the person in order not to cause more hurt in the future. argh! i think you guys understand right? nvm, doesn't matter even if you all don't understand.

anyway, i'm gonna meet herbal tea for dinner on monday, darling ming hui for dinner again on tuesday. oh and MAYBE steamboat on thursday, i really really hope there'll be steamboat. then my yoga is left with the following two days. so pathetic can, i want to go yoga EVERYDAY!!! hais. oh, and the most frightening thing is i actually feel my hand trembling when i'm taking the honey brown sauce for my pepper lunch. am i getting hyperthyroids too? the only good thing about hyperthyriods is that one will lose weight for no reason, which i don't see happening on me. so maybe not. lols.

i don't know why i'm writing so much today. maybe because i'm feeling really vexed now and i really need to get it out. but even blogging doesn't allows me to rant all out. because its not private. and there are some things i just cannot disclose, esp my very personal feeling. and its because of those judgers. i hate it when people judge me when they don't even know what i think, who i am. stupid bastards.

2010-04-03T19:07:00.002+08:00

well... just came back from breadtalk. what can i say? i really do miss working there, but i forgot that its really really tiring as well. and with the damn pathetic pay, i duno why i am doing that either. saw my boss when i was working this morning, i nearly freaked out. zzz.

my dad is down with hyperthyroidism, which is a genetic illness in our family. my cousin and uncle got it as well. but i haven't. maybe i will kena it in the future. but heck, i believe yoga will protect me. ahhaha!

sometimes... i'm not sure whether i want to continue on that path. i don't want my life to be boring. i want it exciting and new everyday. i don't want to hurt anybody either. i wana play and have fun. i don't care whether or not i'm at the losing end. i just don't wana care anymore. ~~oh yes, i think maybe i want a fling now.~~

2010-04-01T20:58:00.003+08:00

my boss treated all of us to sakae today for my welcome lunch! omg, its sakae okay. i just love sushi. but after that, i got a slight fall and twisted my ankle all in the middle of raffles city. how embarrassing is that. and worse is i have a SWOLLEN ANKLE now. zzz. nothing can be worse than that.

anyway, during lunch, my boss was like asking me some personal qns, like whether i'm a virgin and stuff lidat. LOL! and she seems like really surprised when i said i am. i mean, is it really so surprising? my friends are almost all virgin, or at least i think they are. i used to value that so much in the past. but now....... i duno anymore. maybe my past experience has made me sort of immune. i dun care about virginity anymore! its just zzz. but of course, girls shouldn't give that away so easily as well. and seriously, giving that away to some bastards is just not really worth it. and sadly, i just think that ALL guys, or maybe ALMOST ALL guys are bastards. seriously. and so i really planned to stay as a 100 year old virgin and break the WORLD RECORD! THE OLDEST VIRGIN EVER! HAHAHAHAH!

okay, and tml will be a PH! THANK GOODNESS! I JUST LOVE HOLIDAYS DON'T YOU?! HAHAHHA. but with a swollen ankle, thats a different matter altgt. and yoga is not open tml either. hais.

2010-03-28T09:24:00.002+08:00

okay, just a quick post before i go out later.

guess where i'm heading? i'm going to giman! its a beauty salon la actually, and i'm going thr for a slimming package thingy. but its really a one off thing, i got that voucher because its like really cheap? around $30, its okay la i think. but i'm definately NOT going to spend a few hundreds on that. i already have i yoga which i think is much more efficient for me in the long term. and i really think that one off slimming thing don't have much effect really. ahahha!

oh ya, and to update my feelings on my new job! i feel happy working there FOR NOW. and i certainly hope i'll be happy working there in the future. its quite a challenging job for me, but i'll do my best nevertheless. and i feel so weird, its like i just thought of working tml when i'm like still in the jobless mode. hahaha! i'll get used to it. then i'll be busy every weekends as well. hais. my bank account is so dry now, never before have i been so poor can. zzz.

okay, gonna head out to that giman, yoga, and vivo later! til then, i'll update soon.

oh, just wanted to recommend ESKIMO to everybody! their milk tea is damnnnnnnnn NICEEEEEEE! omg. seriously.

2010-03-24T21:07:00.002+08:00

finally found a job today! its recruitment consultant. i really hope i won't run away again because this time i signed a employment contract. die die also must hang on!!!! please, let me persevere ba, don't let me quit. give me a good environment with good colleagues so that i'll be happy working there. guess i'll wear my guan yin pai tml. lols.

i also spent alot of money. my bank account now is like the poorest i have been for my past 20 years, totally cannot believe it. omg.

okokok. please elaine, just do your best, give your best and be friendly. the job is quite challenging and i'm afraid i cannot reach the sales target. companies and clients are hard to find. i'm.... abit demoralised la. but! i will hang on for the sake of money!

so my life from now on is basically work and yoga, work and yoga, work and yoga. lols.

2010-03-20T12:42:00.002+08:00

Dear bloggie,

I'm feeling so down now. i'm getting more and more unhappy whenever my parents rush me to find a job. i'm unhappy when its rainy days. unhappy because i'm feeling insecure. unhappy because i haven't yet found my purpose in life. unhappy because i'm not sure what is the thing that i want and desire in this life. unhappy because i don't want to always be the playee in every r/s.

but i'm happy. happy that i've got friends around me who i know will support me. happy that i have yoga to help me pass through my times. happy that i got to know him.

but why are my unhappy things so much more than my happy things?

its never gonna succeed no matter how much i try right?

2010-03-19T13:59:00.002+08:00

suddenly i'm scared of so many things.
scared of so many what ifs that could happen.
but if it really doesn't belong to me,
i shouldn't hang on to it right?
or should i try to make it mine?
let it go?

i just want love, warmth, care.
is it really that hard?
don't i deserve a real one after so many hardships gone through?

2010-03-18T21:15:00.002+08:00

its a new beginning, and suddenly i hope it would never end.

but somehow, it would in the end.

and oh, I SUPER LOVE YOGA!!! BIKRAM YOGA!

i always learnt new things every lesson, and it left me feeling energised and stretched! a wonderful feeling.

2010-03-17T07:21:00.002+08:00

everytime i feel cheated, betrayed, naive and whatsoever feelings; this would be my first ranting ground. not to my friends, not to my closest friends, but here. this is where nobody will judge the things i have done, the choice i have made, the mistakes that i choose to repeat over and over again. this is perfect.

and yet again, i feel cheated. i have commit a mistake that i repeated in the past. but i don't care. is that the correct mental attitude to have? i think its wrong, but i didn't wana care. what is to come is to come, and if it is to go, its right that i should let it go right? so it doesn't matter whether he's the right one, the wrong one, or the cheating one. it doesn't matter!

oh boy, i feel so pathetic for having this kind of extreme naive mentality. maybe its the loneliness thats making a scene. or maybe its just me yearning for some kind of security it makes me wana do something crazy.

anyways, i went to see the outer IR yesterday. its sooooooooo beautiful! still waiting for the opening of the theme park so i can play. and guess what? i'm actually truely really experiencing singapore's nightlife today for the first time in my 20 years! but i know it won't be anywhere near fun, but only uncomfortable and waste of money to get a taxi ride home. lols.

yes, maybe i shouldn't think too much on things that are... not really... realistic.

2010-03-13T14:02:00.002+08:00

dedicated to friends who were once very close with me:

i'm very sorry i didn't take the effort to maintain this very special relationship between us, and let all those previous built relationship go down the drain. its not because i didn't want to or because i find you really irritating. its because of who i am. i'm a lazy and pathetic fellow who really won't care whats actually wrong until i think back and tell myself, "how could i have been so ..." and that sort of thing.

thinking back, if i really take the effort and heart to maintain and stay by the side of all my ex-close friends, i think i would have alot of soulmates now. to say the truth, i have lose out alot in my life all this while. sometimes, because of studies or work, i have neglected you all.

its easy to tell myself that i actually prefer being alone and so on, but actually i didn't want to be.

now i know how hard it really is to balance work, family, and friends altogether. but i'll still try my best from now on.

to myself:

i should learn to be stronger instead. i don't believe the strong-ness that i had in the past is really gone with the wind. i had that kind of foundation right? so i shouldn't fall that easily. yea, i need to be strong, focused, and driven! i'll balance all part of my life no matter how hard it is. i'll keep on fighting!

2010-03-12T21:33:00.001+08:00

seems like guys really can't be trusted after all.

well, hope i can find a job soon and pay my stupid yoga fees. ouch! thats quite a sum okay.

yoga session was.... not that bad today.
and what else? i'm so tired now, maybe i'll update more tml if i rmb. hahha.

2010-03-12T10:12:00.002+08:00

sometimes, i hate myself for having no patience at all.
i hate myself for being invisible.

oh yes, i'm just not satisfied with the way things are now.
and that frustrates me because i wanted everything in my life to be perfect, the way i wanted them to be.

okay.

2010-03-11T12:52:00.003+08:00

my financial burden is increasing to the level i'm suffocating. and its because of the new membership i signed up for at True Yoga. i'm really planning to find a full time office job and a part time weekend job. but i'm so stress about sacrificing my family time i don't wana do anything at all.

yes, i'm goddammed stress! i practically act on impulse these days. and i totally hate myself for that. i wish i didn't have to grow up at all. i wish i had more time to spend with my family. sometimes, i wish i can die right now.

and the cause of all these financial burdens is because of vanity. i guess mine was abit too serious.

how do i get the strength to carry on when i didn't want to at all?

2010-03-08T22:16:00.002+08:00

finally went through my first day of work today. and i think alot about what i really want after that. okay, i admit i'm like a piece of tofu like what jun tee has said. and its the first time i actually really quit after just a one day work. even i find it surprising. but i really cannot bring myself to work there anymore, its a stressful environment for me, too much for me to handle. and i'm really sorry i behave so recklessly and irresponsibly this time.

BUT I REALLY HAVE NO PASSION OR INTEREST IN THAT JOB, and that means i won't stay long either way and i won't do the job well either. my mind is really messed up right now. and i know i'm so gonna be blacklist.

the first thing i have to sort out now is what i really want for my future career. i can be rest assured thats not going to be in the banking and finance industry. maybe tourism and hospitality industry would suits me better. yea...

i'm very happy that my dad support me throughout. and i'm going to find a job that i really like, a job that makes me happy working, a job i can stay through.

2010-03-07T21:29:00.002+08:00

okay. maybe i think too much. but i think the company i'm working for starting tml is a scam. i can't find any of their company which they said is under AIA when i googled. omg, i know that sounds pretty silly, but i'm scared! what if i worked for nothing and there's no pay?! i just have a bad feeling for tml. oh my tiannnnnnnnn! argh.

anyway, went to far east plaza today and again, shopping! i think i'm going bankrupt soon. zzz. scarly i really have no pay because of a scam company how?! now think back, really quite possible. and i'm still planning to learn bikram yoga! no money really cannot!

i really hope that company's not going bankrupt or what. coz it seems weird they don't have a proper HR department. now i just feel like scolding the F word can. my life is so messed up.

2010-03-05T09:20:00.003+08:00

he's missing from my most visited new tab. guess i could never ever find him again. its good this way, i won't have to pine on anything anymore. glad that his pictures are deleted, his number is deleted and now i won't even see his status anymore.

well... i found out that i'm really a very private oriented person. i don't really like to disclose things about me that i think is too personal or private. such as this kind of love scam. lols. but yea, i'm trying to be more open up to others. and i did it yesterday! its not easy to tell others a story of how you're cheated by a jerk. but shows that i already put that incident down right. hmm, and there are lots of jerks around in this world.

anyway. i went for my virgin trip to MARINA BARRAGE yesterday! its just a very big piece of land with grass. we girls did hell loads of jumpshots can, jump til we so hungry and tired and the pics are all quite unglam i guess. lol! in the end, we went to xin wang hong kong cafe for dinner. i sure hope we would have this kind of fun gathering in the future again, meet up for everyone's birthday and so on. should keep in contact no matter how busy we all are.

now i'm starting to miss ming hui, maggie, jun tee, and that somebody who wants ice cream! HAHAHA! i'm starting work next week though, quite scared la. i don't want to work in a environment where i know NOBODY! but rebecca and cyn is just staying nearby there u see and maggie is working nearby there also!

okay okay, i should be brave. i can do it ba...........

2010-03-03T21:12:00.003+08:00

i feel like its been so long since i updated that i forgot i actually have a blog. lol! so lame, its not even one week. hais.

anyway. just to rant. i actually found a job! and guess wad, i'm not really very happy. its a very challenging job for me, tough nut to crack, high cost for my transport. but at least its still considered a HR position.

okay! i'm going to advertise here as well.
I'll be looking for people who wana work as an insurance consultant. the commission is VERY GOOD! so if you all have any friends to recommend, friends who are motivated and loves a challenge, please ask them to contact me. please please please. oh, but they must be 21 yrs old and above though. i'm so desperate for the wrong reasons. should have transfer that motivation into searching for a bf instead. LOL! just kidding laaaaaa.

so sad that my student ezlink card is only able to last for another 1 more month. my transport fee is gonna get so zzz after that. hope i can get into uni la.

didn't know i would actually be stressed over this temp job, what if i'm kena sacked for low performance? goddddddddddddd.......... the only good thing is that MAGGIE IS WORKING NEAR ME! AND MY WORKING PLACE IS QUITE NEAR VIVO! yea, thats abt the only good things for that job.

but i still don't feel like starting work so early :(

2010-02-28T21:52:00.003+08:00

went to je library and imm with twin today! borrowed 6 books and bought one cardigan. am meeting her tml again! happy outing!

was thinking of going KL for a short getaway. BUTTTTTTTTT! oh man, change in plans. it would be good if i can even go to johor for a short trip. lols. i just wana shop, sing, and watch movies, do my hair. guess its cheaper there compared to singapore right? of course.

ahem, i'm gonna wear a dress again tml.... hahaha.... this time with a cardigan. hope the sun won't kill me tml.

and yes, i'm looking for a job which would give me money, so please give me a job now.

oh well... had a brief reading on my previous posts that brought back some memories about him, about vietnam, about the past. he really hurt me alot, and i swear that i'm so not gonna fall for another guy after him. all jerks. but whats over is over, i shall look forward and protect myself furthermore. it has already become a natural instinct on my part. oh ya, now i hate the name Bryan, i hate scorpio guys, and i absolutely hate guys who look like him, guys who wear sunglasses when there is no sun, just guys like him!

okay, i'm done ranting :)

2010-02-27T13:16:00.002+08:00

finally went to clark quay yesterday! the ambience is just okay, maybe with the wrong person. HAHAH! anyway, i had my fill at the fish manhattan's market! great fish and great ppl, will definately be going back again! i love how clark quay have alot of angmohs. but duno why, i'm actually scared to go near some of them coz they are usually looking for something "more". lols.

wanted to play the bungee jump thingy but didn't had that chance yet. the price is too ex and i just finish a very very very full meal. red snapper and mud pie! both delicious! omg.

and i wore a DRESS yesterday! miracle happened, sleeveless sumore. but okay la, coz alot of ppl wearing lidat also nowadays, not really a big deal rite. yea.

still looking forward to go to IR!

2010-02-25T18:14:00.002+08:00

FINALLY FINISHED MY LAST PAPER TODAY! OMG, SO EXCITED, SO HAPPY, SO RELAX!

okay. i'm thinking of going mlysia again for fun. maybe pamper myself a lil more. but i'm having a ultra ulcer now. its torturing me, can't even talk. argh! but nvm, i shall still enjoy myself to the max! go to the library and borrow some story books, go shopping, lie in bed, watch movies, dramas, swimming, IR!!!!

oh mannnn, i'm so happy! hope my ulcer can recover quickly so that i can eat the things i wana eat. lols.

oh i miss my cousins so badly. KBOX! GREENBOX!

2010-02-18T20:23:00.001+08:00

was supposed to be studying today. but i ended up watching movie at jp. omg. seriously wana bang the wall le, how can i be so easily distracted?!!!

anyway. i watched the Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. IT IS FANTASTIC! really glad that i didn't miss that movie, everybody should go and watch it. hahah!

okay, gonna finish my three lectures later. hais, seems like i'm just reading throught. sian-ed.

2010-02-16T17:27:00.002+08:00

was overseas for a few days to celebrate cny. wad can i say, the angbao i received was pathetic. omg. the worse ever. not even $20 can. but okay, i didn't go back for the sake of angbao. its for my grandparents and my cousins!!! i miss them so much. had a great time with them even though we spent only a short time tgt and some weren't even back. now i'm scared i'll be the last one standing next yr coz they're all attached. sadded. but nvm, i make sure i'm the richest of them all. HAHAHA!

anyway. the scammer totally spoil my mood today. i already feel so sick because of the 7hrs ride in the stuffy train. and still can receive the scammer's msg the minute i reach singapore, still wana borrow $50 from me. he can be rest assured that i'm so gonna file a police report if he sms or call again, even though i wun reply anything.

hopefully i can go genting with my cousin in march. hahaha. i really wana spend more time with them. oh, and i never touch my books when i was there, damn.

i duno why, but there's something wrong with my parents. it seems like there's a breakdown in their r/s. i really hope that wun happen though. its saddening to see them like this.

2010-02-12T21:42:00.002+08:00

i had nyny for lunch today! it cost a bomb but i'm super full. however, their chicken chop is only so so. maybe next time i'll try Manhattan fish market.

was planning to finish my IF revision today. but i didn't study a single thing coz i'm too excited with my trip tml! finally i can go back and spend some time with my cousins! so pathetic lor, other ppl can see their cousins anytime they want. but for me, i only see them once per year. sometimes see le still scared both of us will paiseh coz too long nv meet. but i really love them alot, they're like my brother and sisters. suay suay this cny is on valentine's day also, duno they will have time to entertain me a nt. lol!

anyway, that scammer still dare to call me today! wa, sibei pek chek! if he's not returning my money, i rather he don't call me ever again. i treat that money as going to charity or rather a lesson learnt. everytime he calls, he is asking for money! omg. bth! how can a guy be lidat???! thats why i wun trust any guys ever again. all have ulterior motive de. damn damn damn.

oh ya, and i rejected a job offer today coz of the low pay. i scared i wun have other jobs le. hais. should have reconsider. but the pay really -.-, i rather go breadtalk. LOL! duno how my colleagues in breadtalk is doing le, i miss them so much.

i swear i will play like hell after exams!!!

2010-02-11T08:18:00.002+08:00

duno why i just cannot concentrate on studies nowadays. in the past, i would study my exam modules 1 or maybe 2 months before the exam to prepare better. but now......... its already 2 weeks to exams and i haven study even one module yet. really getting very sian of studying le, like no motivation lidat. how siaaaaaaa, die le la.

i promise i wun waste my time doing meaningless things again.

exams faster end please. i really want to go travelllllllllllllllll!!! or maybe i should get a job to support myself first. lols.

and the fact that facebook is taking damn long to load is making me crazy. wth! i just hate technical stuffs. if i can, i gonna change my whole laptop and throw away this lenovo. sux like hell.

2010-02-10T07:25:00.002+08:00

i dreamt of him yesterday night. but i pretty much don't remember the dream already, except for the appearance of his face. i thought i would feel disgusted because of the hurt he brought to me. but no.... i feel... so hais. just that, hais. he's a very good player i know. but its okay, he's not going to come into my life ever again anyway. he's a jerk in every way.

went to trim my hair at Twister yesterday. I LOVE MY HAIR NOW! my hairstylist, Nicholas, was really equipped with great skills and really meticulous to customer's needs too. omg. and its considered the cheapest and my most satisfied haircut ever. so gonna go back to him again. duno whether i should get hair spray a nt, coz if style really nice. hahaha.

die le lor. yesterday went jp with twin. end up buying two dresses. argh. nvm, hopefully my ang bao money can cover all my shopping expenses.

2010-02-09T11:12:00.002+08:00

slept at around 12am yesterday. and woke up at 4am in the morning today. i must be crazy coz the reason i woke up is damn stupid. i was hungry! can you imagine? hungry at 4am. my dad still had to go buy bee hoon for me at 5.30AM IN THE MORNING! omg. i also bth myself.

after that i couldn't go back to sleep, duno why become so energetic. hais. kena insomnia le la. how sia. nvm, meeting twin later. hopefully she wun put me aeroplane. hahaha.

i want to learn singing at HARK MUSIC SCHOOL! but spending $140 on that is abit too much rite? and its a monthly thing sumore. but i'm so tempted. damn.

haiya, study la. exam haven even finish still think so much. kns de.

2010-02-08T20:12:00.003+08:00

Finally done for CCM! whatever the results, its OVER!!!!! HAPPY LAAAAAAA. but still left with three papers next next week. HAIS. really hope the exams can end faster so i can go library and borrow my favourite storybooks. so guai right, school end le still read books. hahaha.

went to ming hui's house today to scan my things. in the end, being a IT noob, i don't know how to compile them into one single file. so ma fan. does anyone knows how to compile multiple PDF files into one PDF file? teach me leh.

anyway, gonna go twister to trim my hair tml. why? coz my heart grew itchy as i saw ming hui trim hers today. tsk tsk. but i really think my hair needs a trim la. lols. hope the stylist is good and won't ruin my hair, if not he gonna be so dead coz i'll complain on every single forum til he no business. HAHAHA.

2010-02-05T22:35:00.003+08:00

i wonder about the things that happened, and try not to think too much about it.
no matter how much i think of the past, nothing can change the present. what for?

oh crap, i feel so half emo and half motivated right now.
must have been drained out from the 1hr++++ wait for the stupid bus just now.
anyway, just taken my NAPFA test, and i got participation! so happy! =P
i mean, its good enough i went right, better than never go.

shit, i'm emooooo. damn damn damn. or maybe its because there's a test next monday and i haven started revision. and thinking about getting my hair permed at the same time? ARGHHHH. DAMN.

elaine, can you just concentrate on ur exams and tests first before thinking about your stupid hair????!!!

okay. just a random thought. i promise i will start to voice out whatever i'm not satisfied with and treat everyone with a polite manner from now onwards. good girl :D

and i really should start studying. yes i should. oh mannnnn.

2010-02-05T09:00:00.002+08:00

sometimes, people feel like they are invisible in front of so many people who they thought were friends. is it because they are not attractive enough? or not getting enough attention? but the worse case is being invisible and ignored in front of your best friend. by showing you ugly faces and attitude and also ignoring you in a group, this small action actually hurts. but most people don't always show that out. they just put up a strong front and maintain that "i can live without you" posture, which is not always true in a way.

sometimes, i think i hate you.
sometimes, i think i love you coz you're so close to me.
but the actions you did just makes me wana hate you.

i got a very inspirational quote from my teacher yesterday. its the last class of MQE, and its the first time that i felt sad leaving that class.
"if not you, who?
if not now, when?"
i'll always keep that quote in my mind and heart.

oh, and yea, i think i prefer shopping in JP rather than ION and 313. lols.

2010-02-02T09:01:00.002+08:00

went for nafa yesterday. and guess what, i didn't even sweat a bit. why? because i forgot to bring sports shoes and end up relaxing for the whole day. gonna redo it on friday. HAIS. but at least i must pass 1 or 2 stations nt so lao kui. LOL! then i will forgo the 2.4km run. 6 rounds around the stadium is really crazy lor. and i saw alot of guys give up halfway. HAHAHA.

okay. gonna go for long john breakfast later and revise my CCM in starbucks. duno why i have so many things to do, but just cannot really get started on anything.

sian ar sian ar sian ar.

2010-01-31T12:48:00.002+08:00

i'm officially addicted to shopping. just spend another $100+ yesterday on clothes and contact lenses. gonna go shopping again later this week. how nice it would be if only i can have unlimited supply of moneyyyyyy!

argh. i really should curb my spending. okayokayokay. i'll TRY.

i love shoppinggggggg!

:D

2010-01-28T21:29:00.002+08:00

HELLLLLLLLL! I'M SO GONNA KILL MYSELF AND EAT GRASS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

okay. was happily shopping at jurong point today and buying a face washing powder from FANCL since my friend said it was good. so i bought that and we went for snacks and chat and so on. then, i decided i wanted to get the serum from skinfood coz the sample i tried last time was good! and i went in the shop and listen to the salesperson talk and talk.

guess what? I SPENT A TOTAL OF $100 IN THERE AND PLUS MY FANCL CLEANSING POWDER, I SPENT A TOTAL OF $125! AAHHHHHHHH.

and i spent it all on my stupid face. great. now i'm really gonna eat grass.

okay okay okay. i must SWEAR i really won't buy any facial products one year from now!

oh man. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2010-01-26T22:10:00.002+08:00

my throat sore until i'm having difficulty breathing even. omg. really bth! has been waking up countless times in the middle of the night due to coughs. since when has my body immunity level become so weak?! damn...

jan is coming to an end again, how fast right? haha, so looking forward to march now. my well deserved holiday!!!!

2010-01-23T13:12:00.003+08:00

i'm actually feeling quite terrible. sneezing non stop. throat sore-ed. feeling cold inside but actually skin is hot. giddy spells. and somebody promised that i'll get well today. lets see.

despite of my poor conditions.

i still want to go somewhere! anywhere! i wana walk around the whole singapore, along the singapore river in the night with lots of night lights. walk around orchard and go shopping. have lunch with my ex colleagues. watch movies. do something crazy or whatsoever.

but i have NO TIME!

pathetic, sad, unhappy, stressed

okay, i gotta be positive.

gogogo

2010-01-21T20:11:00.002+08:00

after seeing the poor bird yesterday, i'm now down with fever; sore throat; headache; muscle ache. why so suay?! is it really bad luck or what?

feeling so uncomfortable all over already and yet still bugged with ALOT of projects and assignments. now i know what its like to have time to die and no time to fall sick.

i'm really chui now. i want to sleep badly!! but still have to chiong project. when can i have a good rest?

:(

2010-01-20T14:44:00.002+08:00

i saw a bird on my way home today. and i felt depressed. you wonder why i'm depressed when i saw that bird. it's a very normal bird, dead, squashed, flat. i mean, some stupid cars must have just run over that poor bird and literally flattened it! omg. you can't imagine how flat it is, just like a piece of paper. even its beak/mouth is FLAT! argh. its not a very pleasant sight. and its such a cruel way for a bird to die. i mean, its still a life..... wanted to take a photo of it, but i thought it would be sort of disrespectful for the poor bird, so i just said "ambithabba" and went home.

back to me. two major projects are down. left with 4 more projects and some personal assignments to complete. time seems to pass really fast.

and duno why, i feel so anti social again. prob due to stress. i have no motivation of going anywhere but home. no motivation to socialise and i feel that i really cannot click with most of my classmates. because they're not my type maybe? but then again, do you really choose your friends according to types? maybe its just me.

anyway... i watched "the spy next door" yesterday! a great action comedy which makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. its really worth the money. the next movie i wana watch will be "the tooth fairy", "day breakers" or something.

i really miss the past sometimes, can i go back?

2010-01-18T22:37:00.002+08:00

i hate it when people don't do what they say they'll do.
or maybe i'm too serious.

i hate it when people don't confront me when they have problems with me.
honestly, guys don't do that.

all in all. i learnt that humans, can only trust one person, trust only yourself.

don't ever lose confidence in what you think is true, especially when others challenge you.
stick to what you know is right always.
others challenge because they are really not quite sure what they are sure of.

i had a great day with jun tee today. had a great day ranting. reading books and etc.
i had a great day!

2010-01-17T22:45:00.002+08:00

if you really wana do it, then don't regret.
if you think you'll regret, then don't do it.

live in the past or move forward to an even happier future.
its your choice.
just do it.
you only live once.

there's no turning back.

people believe it when they see it.
why not try to believe you'll see it.
make your dreams come true.

nobody will understand how you feel no matter how much they say they understand.
its all bullshit because they are not you!

do you really wana learn the truth and get yourself hurt?
or do you really think ignorance is bliss?

don't give excuses.
if you really wana do it, you will do it.
if not, its simply because you're not willing.

in life, sacrifices have to be made.
nothing comes without a price.
not even a bloody word love.

maybe its not the best decision when i looked back.
but its the best i could made in that point of time.

don't think about pointless stuffs that doesn't come true in any way.

just be yourself.
it doesn't matter if they don't like you.
what matters is you are true.

just my thoughts right now.
nothing special.
nothing much.
its just me.

2010-01-16T22:48:00.002+08:00

had quite an enjoyable time with my cousins today. my aunt brought me 2 box of sushi and many many many box of new year cookies! there goes my resolution. lols. my chocolate is also left uneaten. how sad.

my dream of going to clark quay and singapore river is not realised yet. now i dun even know what dream i have for my future. so directionless. and worse is maggie just reminded me that its quite impossible to get a bf after polytechnic studies, which is true. yup, i predict my future to be an old spinster living with my sis family. or maybe being sent to a lao ren yuan instead.

WHAT DO I REALLY WANT TO DO???

2010-01-15T23:13:00.002+08:00

something funny happened yesterday. let me just tell you all about this very lame incident. i was doing my stuffs and waiting for my friends to end class when an unknown number called me. i thought it was my teacher calling to tell me about my grades or something, so i answered. the guy on the other end was definately not my teacher. LOL! it was just a stranger to me. and he said he got my number from this guy so and so, WHO I DUN EVEN KNOW! so after a round of questioning, the so and so actually got my number from my UNCLE! omg. really ridiculous. really scared the guy on the other end is DOM. as explained my my teacher, DOM=Dirty Old Man.

but whatever. i'm still struggling with projects and assignments now. thinking of my future, is stable and boring better or exciting and stressed? i dun even know which one i really want. i want stable and exciting. but.... HAIS.

if only humans know how to be contented with what they have right now.
if only humans are simple creatures who do not cheat to get what they want, or break ppl's hearts.
if only life could be everything we ever wanted.
if only there is a time machine for us to go back to the past and see the future.
if only the direction in life could be clearer for us to see the path ahead of us.
and sometimes even, if only i had never met him, then i won't go through all the shit.
if only ...............

2010-01-14T17:58:00.003+08:00

i realised the coffee i brewed has around 70% of the vietnam coffee i drank previously in vietnam! yay! hahaha. but still not quite thick enough.

feeling quite overwhelming these days. there's suddenly so many projects and so many stuffs to get it done by a certain deadline. omg. i feel stressed and everything negative. year 3 is really hell. how i wish i'm still doing my attachment in vietnam. but i'm gonna be damn homesick there.

i'm really glad i choose MQE as my IS module.
"when you believe it, you'll see it." that'll be my motivating phrase for this year! hopefully i can get some results on my resolution from this phrase.
"the world is full of possibilities". anything is possible!

yayaya. gonna plan out a real resolution schedule soon.

2010-01-13T10:46:00.003+08:00

damn pissed over my stupid laptop today. its so loyal that it only works well in my home and NOWHERE ELSE! omg. super pek chek. it can't connect well in school. and now, even my msn is down. was still planning to do my project stuffs during the 1 hour break de lor. instead, i cursed and swear at my laptop for that whole hour! can you imagine?! of course, i curse and swear to myself. zzz.

but still. i'll swear i will get my IB stuffs settled by latest today 7pm. i still wana watch the wife's temptation! hahaha. and also brew my own vietnam coffee! the coffee only tahan until 1am for me yesterday, and the effect started to wear off. but still my coffee was fragrant de okay, got about 40% of the real vietnam coffee taste! :D

this weekend is real busy for me. and please please please let me have the motivation to carry on my resolution. maybe i'll start next week when i'm not so busy? =X
HAIS.

2010-01-12T20:14:00.002+08:00

just had my BCOMM interview today. overall, it was so much better than my previous data gathering call can. hahaha. so i went home happily and reached home stressed. with so many things to do, i can't even relax and take a break.

bought a can of condensed milk to make my vietnam coffee. my coffee tasted just like the koufu coffee and not my vietnam coffee! should have put in more coffee powder and milk! nvm, i'll try again tml. die die must brew my perfect coffee. wahahha! happy! and then i will treat all of my friends to coffee next time. yayyyyyy!

have to really chiong my project now. so please do not disturb. lols.

2010-01-11T20:06:00.002+08:00

just a normal day today, except that i've finally met my darling Maggie after duno how freaking long. and i just told her i won't meet her until i jian fei cheng gong! HAIS. bought a shoe bag for her as a belated birthday present. now i'm broke! i need money and energy and motivation! and yes, she owe me a movie.

i'm nearly buried under the mountains of project. think i'll be dying soon. can the school just spare a thought for us and let us have some space for revision? finals is like less than 5 weeks away i think. i just want to get over with it and have my holidayssssss.

anyway. my sis's results were out today. she score like damn good can. wayyyyyy better than mine, so happy for her. and because she's happy, i got alot of snacks also~ yay! somemore i'm on healthy diet now. eat anything also check the nutrition facts. even i cannot believe it myself, really becoming more and more virgo. hehe.

thinking of going vietnam for holidays. any interested peeps?

2010-01-09T15:42:00.002+08:00

actually planning to go swimming today de. but i woke up at 10am! then you know, the sun so big, and i'm so lazy to prepare everything. so in the end! i never go. hais, stupid excuses. i PROMISE i will go next week! yeayeayea.

was chatting with my cousin online. he got gf le! so happy for him! don't know why i'm so excited also. hahahaha. can't wait to meet all my cousins during the cny!

i also promise myself i'm gonna be a whole new me after graduation! but duno why, i feel so restless today. want go out but so guilty. i really wana watch movie and go shopping and go see my ex colleagues. wana call up somebody for a chat, but duno why so lazy and tired and whatever. zzz.

i'm hopeless :(

2010-01-08T20:22:00.002+08:00

had quite an eventful day today going to lectures and holland village to do my project. hahaha. and had quite an exercise too. going from blk 28 to blk 53 in ngee ann is like climbing hills to me. omg. plus the day is so hot! i sweat alot okay. tired til i don't have any appetite.

bought the starbucks passport today. 6 grande size coffee for $35! which means each cup is like $5 only! save like siao. happy! i just love their dark mocha, the thicker the better! yums :) but now my stomach is not feeling very well. but it feels good to actually share with fellow schoolmates about our oiap experience. i had a wonderful time today.

maybe there's really a certain factor that attracts one to certain people. the overall charisma and etc. i think that really matters. because there are some people, u'll just get so turn off with them after a few minutes of interaction, and some who wins your heart over in just a few seconds.

i have to burn midnight oil again today. hopefully, i'll have pure thoughts tonight. LOL!

2010-01-06T22:18:00.002+08:00

sometimes, i really find life meaningless. not that i have suicidal intention. but whats the purpose of humans in life? i don't understand.

my motivation level is also super low nowadays. i just don't feel like working really hard to get something i want. like the carrot is just right in front, but i just don't even wana grab it. i don't know why.

i didn't know i'm actually graduating in like 5 weeks time until the teacher remind us. its like omg. how did time pass so fast?! has it really been 6 months? or more than that even. suddenly, i kinda miss the lifestyle in vietnam. i really wish to go back again. but only for holidays. haha.

what am i gonna do after graduation? i'm so directionless. hais. is it a normal reaction? or is it just me?

i've been following to my resolutions though. and it feels so good. gonna go swimming soon! can't wait!

2010-01-04T17:37:00.002+08:00

i think there's something wrong with me.

i'm starting to have a phobia of going to school. starting to become very lazy. starting to hate projects. starting to be quite anti social. i'm not that enthu in making new friends. i like to go to places alone and enjoy time alone. now i don't even think i can go into uni, i just wana find a job with a decent pay. and a poor result doesn't make me cry anymore.

its just like nothing matters.

so now. whats wrong?

2010-01-03T15:00:00.002+08:00

i'm gonna start my resolution like soon soon soon and soon!

no work today abit bu xi guan. its a boring day but quite relax. at least i dunid to stand til my legs ache. but i miss out all the laughters as well. i'm starting to miss eating those breads as well. hais. imagine sacrificing bread for freedom. okay, it makes no sense.

i used to check out those horoscopes every new year. but for some reason, i didn't this year. maybe i just don't believe in it anymore, because they never came true. esp for love matters. LOL! so reading it is like a waste of time. i believe that we should depend on ourselves for every outcome or decisions we're gonna make in this life.

the past is the past. letting it go and i'll be happier :)
friendship isn't worth to be ruined by someone else.

2010-01-02T22:41:00.002+08:00

has been really busy chionging my work just to fufill the 70 hours. omg. so tired can! but finally, today is my last day working. got quite a mixed feelings actually. i wanted to quit so that i can have more free time. but on the other hand, i feel really happy working there. i'll miss my ex colleagues alot! it seems like i can only get my happiness there.

went to celebrate twin's birthday yesterday at vivo. we had dinner at white dog cafe, and the crabmeat pasta is not bad. hahaha. feel so sinful. i am supposed to be following to my resolution. sian. then we went around taking pictures. it was not the kind of celebration i expected because we didn't make it to clarke quay! so sad right! but nvm, it was still a great day with the girls!

school is re-opening soon. my projects are all like =.=

when can i stop wondering the things that will not happen and focus on my resolution? okay. i'll need ALOT of motivation. there's swimming for one, dieting, running? maybe not running. LOL! but maybe... some other way, there must be. hais.

read andrew's blog just now. i can't believe he asked maggie to jiayou in DB! for goodness sake! omg.

2009-12-30T21:37:00.003+08:00

just another sudden thought that goes through my mind.

its gonna be 2010 in just two days! how time flies, its scary. i already set my 2010 resolution. its a one and only. i swear i'll make it come true.

2009-12-30T20:18:00.003+08:00

went to the library today to do some stuffs. then went to watch Avatar! omg, it was a great movie! and the guy is so shuai! hahahha. kind of love their type of alien lifestyle. first time a movie can make me have the same kind of emotions and whatsoever. which basically means i can feel for the character.

getting really obsessed with the 7pm korean show. and my dad says that show has over a 100 episodes. zzz. i just wana see how the girl would take her revenge.

oh crap. i still have alot of assignments. so there, will update when i'm free again.

2009-12-29T21:35:00.002+08:00

i have a strong feeling to write another post for today because of my new skin! LOL! thanks to a wonderful friend of mine, i now have a fabulous skin, and i believe that's one of my most beautiful skin so far. hahahha.

was planning to watch avatar with dear Maggie tml, but i guess have to cancel. there's no student price and i have ALOT of assignments yet to be completed. i'm so dead.