i finally went to visit him today! first time ever. and its at sengkang, the journey alone can make me mad, but it was worthwhile :)
at least i know he's feeling better and all. and it kinda let me knows that maybe i would want to pursue my career as a social worker after all.

but doesn't it hurt to get back that past feeling again. i'm acting like it doesn't matter, but it really do affect me sometimes. i remember how i hide in the washroom and cry like mad the last time similar things happen. but now... i'm not gonna repeat that again. gotta be strong somehow. esp when i already know the ending.

anyway, i brought my lucky four leaf poodle out today. thats the one i bought when he went in for the first time. and that poodle really bring me good luck. i shall bring it to work so that good luck will follow me, and somehow i feel motivated with it around me :D

well.. i bought my hair spray and comb today, hopefullyyyyyy i can style my hair exactly the same like how the salon do it for me. if not its gonna be so ugly. seriously.

loves;
8:36 PM;

i should have known what would happen the moment i saw the heavy thoughts on his blog, but its too late. i really hope he get well soon, my heart aches for him everytime something like this happen to him. i hope he gets well soon, really. he's the only guy friend that i care about so much.

well.. anyways. i was practically working like a horse today. tired to the extent that my own voice is shivering at the end of the day. LOL! never been so tired before. but it is a very fruitful day though, so its okay. and i met a very sweet girl who came for interview today! i think i fell in love with her at first sight. i know its so weird, with a girl?! but she's really sweet and i like her alot really. maybe its sign that i'm changing ya?

i'm gonna go for a haircut tml! cutting it short! i think i will regret, but heck. long hair is so troublesome. goodbye, long hairrrrrrrrrr!

loves;
8:34 PM;

i always screw myself up in the same direction, over and over again.
repeated countless times of the same mistakes. and yet, i'm still not backing out of all that.
stupidddddddd.

loves;
10:29 PM;

sometimes... i think i still want him back after all the bad things he done, after the torture that he let me go through, the heartbroken feeling he brought me. i still feel like maybe i want him back in my life, even if i'll suffer another heartbreak. what still matters? i don't know anymore. i just know that he's a bastard for cheating on his gf again and again. how do i know? i have my ways of course. maybe all cheaters are lidat, they leave you wanting for more when in reality they don't care about you or your presence for that matters.

i only cried for three guys, and i clearly remember who they are. those are the ones whereby i gave my heart, and they left me heartbroken because they just do for some reason. and yes, i always seem to meet the bad guys. and when i met some decent ones, i don't have feelings for them. whats wrong with me.

i want to go somewhere where nobody knows me at all. somewhere i will be appreciated because i have a great personality. somewhere where nobody will judge anybody else because they believe all are equal and special in their own ways. somewhere where people are always nice and funny and friendly. because this world is so cruel it makes me wana stay away.

i'm not emo making this post, just thoughts at the moment.

loves;
7:36 PM;

i've been really tired recently, to the extent that i really don't feel like talking to anybody even. pimples are popping out like crazy, and i'm having stupid thoughts of having a haircut, to very very very very short. cause i think hair is the roots of trouble. LOL! oh yea, i'm going crazy. there are loads of stuffs for me to settle. but i'm just to tired i don't feel like doing anything at all.

have to settle graduation stuffs, my passport renewal and so on. i feel so sian. why is life so sian. anyway, had a happy chat with those bakers today. they never fails to make me laugh. actually its the people there that i like. but it still doesn't give me the kind of motivation to not quit. its really quite tough taking up 2 jobs. i have no rest time at all.

plus, i'm worried about him. but i know he'll be fine, as always. god bless him.

have been going out this week. and rejected some outings this week. hopefully i can stick to my schedule next week. oh, and my haircut! i'm gonna cut off the roots of trouble!

loves;
7:29 PM;

i remember i used to look for that tortoise sign on my msn whenever i go online, just to see if he's there. but not so anymore, in fact, i stop like monthsssssssss ago which i'm so proud of myself. i can finally know how he feels at that time. and i feel stupid. but its my choice, so i don't regret either way.

went for work as usual today. and i'm telling myself i WILL quit soon, maybe in may or after june. i really want to have my own life back, some leisure time spent with my family and friends instead of just working like a horse. but oh yea, i'm a horse.

and i'm gonna start my resolution starting tml! i should have started in jan, but oh well. its still alright to start now right? hahaha.

working again tml. just let me close some positions cannnnn. argh.

loves;
7:02 PM;

passed yet another day... but today was abit more fun than yesterday. at least i laughed more. hahahah. and colin treated us to dim sum today! yesterday my boss treated us to crystal jade! so good right?! its hard not to get fat in this company really.

anyway, i broke a new record in my bank account today. a new lowwwwwwwww record. argh. its pathetic, i think i have to live on grass from now on. and bt's pay is damn pathetic. HAIS. what to do, i think i'll quit soon. no point working like a dog when the pay is like that. :(

please just let me close those positions. i really wana earn commission!!!!!

now my life is just like work work and work. i hardly have anytime left to myself at all. becoming quite anti nowadays, and thats bad. super! i hate this kind of lifestyle. but i don't feel like changing. i'm just so lazy i know. and now, i think i really don't care about the thing i used to care anymore. not even that kind of want. maybe working really takes it all away. hahaha. and twin is so funny to tell me how she handles her virtual friends' wants online. argh. but they deserve it! stupid bastards.

loves;
9:01 PM;

time really flies. its been 3 weeks since i last started work. and i just realised when i was looking at my mailbox that says 3 weeks ago.... omg. shocked! i really wana get the commission from the job. but its so hard, and i don't think i can reach that target. hais. nvm, i'll still try my best nonetheless.

i've been missing my school life nowadays. there's still no news from the 2 unis that i've applied for. and i think my current job will end up to be my permanent one. another chui matter. so i'll have to end up going SIM then. i miss hanging out with my friend. but work already takes up so much of my energy and time that i have none left to go anywhere else.

i wish time would just slow down and let me have a cool down period. its moving too fast. my fav colleague is gone, and i'll be so sian in my workplace. i have nothing to update actually, but i just wana write for the sake of writing.

ah, whatever. i'll just stop here. crappy boring life i have now. argh.

loves;
8:58 PM;

i'm really getting fatter and fatter nowadays. i eat alot and alot and sit sit sit. argh. yoga doesn't help either plus i'm getting so lazy nowadays. zzz.

oh yea, work is ......... i duno. feel abit lost now. not very sure if i really wanted to continue in that path. and my dear yuli is quitting tml. i just miss her like hell when she's gone. hais. had a really great time with her today.

i'm tired. i need sleep badly. so bye!

loves;
10:11 PM;

i finally started my HAI PAI TIAN XIN! omg. i love rainie to bits. just that character is mesmerizing enough. maybe thats what weekends are for, to relax and take it easy. but i had a great time working too. and there's money!

whatever. from tml onwards, i'm going to start my own life, a new beginning, new schedule which i am going to stick to. and i will shift out every tuesday for my friends. aren't you all lucky fellow. hahhaha. just one day per week. so precious can.

okay, thats all for today. i'm back to my show :)

loves;
7:51 PM;

its been so long since i updated. some things had happened over these few days. i just feel like my life is so exciting this month. but after the excitement, i feel like having some peaceful days. and after that, i would want that kind of excitement again. am i crazy or what?!

actually not alot happen . but just to sum up, i'm being a bitch all and all. oh yes, i just care about myself and not others. whatever, i don't even want to care anymore. that makes me think that i'm a true virgo horse person. i really treasure my freedom alot.

i know what my friends think about me. that i wasn't lidat in the past and all that. but they didn't go through the experience i had that made up what i am today. so they're not in the position to judge me, or so i thought. even they do, i don't think i want to care. its too tiring. i just don't like conforming to other's standards of me. yea, i'm selfish. but i treat every one of my friend dearly. i really do treasure them alot. they're my greatest support in no matter what things i've done. and i hope they'll be forever. anyhow, i won't do stupid things again.

anyway, i went work for 4hours today. and i'm off tml! great!

loves;
5:07 PM;

i'm glad things are now fine between us, no more cold war. and of course, i really wanted him to know how special a friend he really is to me. thats why i didn't want us to become like me and clara in the past whereby we quarrel and war for like 2 yrs? but i'm soooooooo glad that we turns out fine in the end. and so close now. not to mention my maggie who shows me support and stay on my side every now and then :)

well... i feel very down today for some reason. i received an email and my heart totally knotted itself after i read it. it knotted further into a dead knot when i read the blog. i mean, i feel kinda sorry and bad about what happen. and when i encounter this kind of problems, clara is always the first one i'll turn to. maybe because we had the same encounters most of the time. haha. i just love her for being so similar to me and giving me so much support. i'll really like to talk about this incident with my best guy friend of course. but i didn't want to start another war. oh, my heart is still knotted now. i really feel so....... hais. i really don't mind to be friends though.

anyway, i sucks at work today. i sent the wrong email with the wrong content. i hope my boss won't fire me after probation. its so hard for me to find a job with the environment that i like and won't fall asleep in. gonna meet ming hui tml, hopefully she won't ps me like the two girls today. kns de. lol.

i feel very tired holding that heavy mouse of mine at home, because the mouse in the office is super light. weird right? AND I SHOULD HAVE GONE YOGA TODAY! tsk. i'm so lazy i want to just beat myself up. argh.

suddenly, i just feel like having a primary school gathering. even if i'm not close with them at all. lols. its good to have a gathering once in a while to just catch up and have fun though. i would really love that.

loves;
8:54 PM;

friendship is getting rather strained because of somebody, or so i think. and i might really have been the loose girl that he think i am. i thought i would really care how others view me. but turns out that i don't really care at all. and its pointless trying to get my meaning and thoughts across when people just don't understand why i'm thinking this way or what kind of person i really really really am. so yea, my point is, nobody really understands me at all!

working as usual today, or rather as usual everyday. i'm really looking forward to a breadtalk gathering soon. its like i can be so happy around those guys, maybe because they crap too much, or maybe because they're sort of easy going like me. hahaha. and free drinks and bread and laughter! i love it!

something weird happened today. which caused a little bit of uneasiness in me really. and i don't know what to do at all. its so confusing. its like you have to be hurt the person in order not to cause more hurt in the future. argh! i think you guys understand right? nvm, doesn't matter even if you all don't understand.

anyway, i'm gonna meet herbal tea for dinner on monday, darling ming hui for dinner again on tuesday. oh and MAYBE steamboat on thursday, i really really hope there'll be steamboat. then my yoga is left with the following two days. so pathetic can, i want to go yoga EVERYDAY!!! hais. oh, and the most frightening thing is i actually feel my hand trembling when i'm taking the honey brown sauce for my pepper lunch. am i getting hyperthyroids too? the only good thing about hyperthyriods is that one will lose weight for no reason, which i don't see happening on me. so maybe not. lols.

i don't know why i'm writing so much today. maybe because i'm feeling really vexed now and i really need to get it out. but even blogging doesn't allows me to rant all out. because its not private. and there are some things i just cannot disclose, esp my very personal feeling. and its because of those judgers. i hate it when people judge me when they don't even know what i think, who i am. stupid bastards.

loves;
8:19 PM;

well... just came back from breadtalk. what can i say? i really do miss working there, but i forgot that its really really tiring as well. and with the damn pathetic pay, i duno why i am doing that either. saw my boss when i was working this morning, i nearly freaked out. zzz.

my dad is down with hyperthyroidism, which is a genetic illness in our family. my cousin and uncle got it as well. but i haven't. maybe i will kena it in the future. but heck, i believe yoga will protect me. ahhaha!

sometimes... i'm not sure whether i want to continue on that path. i don't want my life to be boring. i want it exciting and new everyday. i don't want to hurt anybody either. i wana play and have fun. i don't care whether or not i'm at the losing end. i just don't wana care anymore. oh yes, i think maybe i want a fling now.

loves;
7:07 PM;

my boss treated all of us to sakae today for my welcome lunch! omg, its sakae okay. i just love sushi. but after that, i got a slight fall and twisted my ankle all in the middle of raffles city. how embarrassing is that. and worse is i have a SWOLLEN ANKLE now. zzz. nothing can be worse than that.

anyway, during lunch, my boss was like asking me some personal qns, like whether i'm a virgin and stuff lidat. LOL! and she seems like really surprised when i said i am. i mean, is it really so surprising? my friends are almost all virgin, or at least i think they are. i used to value that so much in the past. but now....... i duno anymore. maybe my past experience has made me sort of immune. i dun care about virginity anymore! its just zzz. but of course, girls shouldn't give that away so easily as well. and seriously, giving that away to some bastards is just not really worth it. and sadly, i just think that ALL guys, or maybe ALMOST ALL guys are bastards. seriously. and so i really planned to stay as a 100 year old virgin and break the WORLD RECORD! THE OLDEST VIRGIN EVER! HAHAHAHAH!

okay, and tml will be a PH! THANK GOODNESS! I JUST LOVE HOLIDAYS DON'T YOU?! HAHAHHA. but with a swollen ankle, thats a different matter altgt. and yoga is not open tml either. hais.

loves;
8:58 PM;