i cried today, something which i really wanted to do so long ago.
thank you, for helping me to let it out.
because you know me so well, even better than myself.
and i thank you for that, because you let me see myself.

because i'm going through a down period nobody would understand.
because sometimes i hate myself so much i wish i was never born.
because i think i've changed so much to somebody i don't even like.
i hate myself.

but i feel much better after the crying.
and i'll remember to live for myself now.
and none of them would understand.

loves;
10:25 PM;

i'm sleep deprived.

then... about some other things... i duno whether i should or should not...
very confused...
now i'm troubled....
over what?
its so hard to describe.

i need sleep so badly now, seriouslyyyyyyyyyy.

loves;
1:16 PM;

i'm so so so so so so shagggg today. not that i'm unhappy at work. just so tired i really wana take a break and sleep at home for 24 hours. and my muscle is starting to build up because of the trays i've been wiping today. lols! had a good chat with thomas about stuffs.

oh! and i met a bitch today after work. dare to ask me to support duno what thing for $10. told her i forgot to bring my wallet which is true because i was in a rush this morning. and guess what? she was saying to her friend "omg, how can she forgot to bring her wallet when she goes to hf?" IN FRONT OF MY FACE. wth. lucky i didn't donate anything. seriously.

was really planning to tell my manager that i wana quit bt in june. but he didn't come today. is it a hint that maybe i shouldn't quit now?

for some reason, i feel like a bitch again. and i guess thomas is right, life would be so much simpler if there's only friendship and kinship, without bgr. i would love that kind of life :)

loves;
7:53 PM;

what does love mean?
will you really accept the person as who they are since you love them?
whether or not they look good or not good, whether they are clever or stupid or weird or whatever?
and accept their flaws and imperfections?
i know i'll do that, if i truly like that person.
so just give me a hug and let me know i'm loved, appreciated and whatever, coz i badly need a hug now.

hais, whatever. gonna be on leave again tml. and with a stupid reason. don't think my boss would be very happy either. and i've taken near to two days leave for this month already. argh. i feel so sian now. need a full time entertainer.

loves;
8:27 PM;

well.. i just received a rejection letter from NTU today. so means i'll most probably be rejected by NUS as well. and most probably i'll stay in my full time job, and most probably quitting my part time job. lols. i mean, being rejected is fine. BUT being nagged to study a private uni by my dad is NOT fine at all. coz i don't really wana take up private studies now that i have yoga and work and no money. i have really no time to study at all. so maybe i'll wait for 2 years after the yoga contract is over, then i'll consider studying again.

oh, and i dyed my hair black, highlighted it brown! and NOBODY NOTICED THE DIFFERENCE! sad right, and its damn expensive also. walao. but i like it, coz now i look abit younger. hahaha!

i want to quit that stupid bread job seriously. i wana play and relax and have fun wearing non office clothes and no breadtalk uniform obviously. but i couldn't stand leaving my colleagues there. coz they always make me laugh and i had fun there even when i'm really tired working like that. hais.

loves;
8:55 PM;

just came back from a outing with fz and clara. and i don't know whether its due to the invisible stress that i had, or whether i'm burned out from the 7 days work week or whatever, fz say i look alot more haggard since the last time he saw me, which is like 1 month ago. lols. and i look like super tired. i'm sorry, but i am tired, really really really tired.

i feel like giving up now. that stupid part time job which pays like damn lil. what am i holding on for when there's no results? i can practically feel the haggardness in me already. okay, i've decided. i'm going to quit after i receive my uni results. lets hope i'll stick to what i've decided. hahaha.

just read her blog, and lets just say she's a lil girl. and facing a marriage?! i mean, now then she's starting to doubt everything. i hope everything will clear up for her. i really have a soft spot for lil girls recently.

OKAY, I PROMISE I WILL QUIT BY END OF JUNE. SAY GOODBYE TO BREADS FOREVER. I REALLY CAN'T STAND IT :(
tired til i wana die.................................

loves;
10:22 PM;

刚刚在fb又无缘无故找到了它的网站。那是一个我曾经多么喜欢的人。为了他，我不知流了多少眼泪。最后还是狠下心的把他从我的生活从此按了一个delete button。 是的，我是被他玩过，是他让我对全世界的男生都失去了信心。不过，原来有些事不是你不去想就一定可以不想的。原来他已经跟另外一个她订婚了。还是一个我觉得真的是哪一类我讨厌的人。过了那么久，看到这个消息还蛮有想哭的感觉。不过，这不值得吧。他这种男人，真的不值的原谅。

一切就到此为止吧。我也不会再多想了。

loves;
7:59 PM;

loves;
7:07 PM;

i knew today would be a really good day, and i'm right! the day went exceptionally well actually with all my loved ones around me. hahaha!

i know who are the ones that i really cherish in my life. but actually i'm very confused about him. and i don't know what to make of my feelings, i don't even know what will happen. but its okay, i will still work as long as he's there. and it really takes alot of energy to do that. argh.

will tml be a great day also?

loves;
7:42 PM;

i've been feeling rather down these days. i don't know whether its pms or whether its work or whatever. just feel like crying in the office today, and i really don't know what i'm emo over. thats so silly. but after i get some well spent time with myself today, i was okay. its just that i have become really anti social recently for some reason. and i'm really tired over stuffs.

i think i'm happy because i went shopping? spending money makes me happy for a while. hahahha!

i'm really looking forward to weekends, because of work! but i'm scared the more i look forward to something, the higher disappointment i will get. things always happen. and i have really kan kai alot actually. i mean, i don't really care whats the ending as long as i've tried my best in everything i do. but well, humans are still feeling creatures after all.

anyway, will be celebrating mother's day tml! and i'm meeting my hui cheng on sunday! miss her like hell already. hahahah.

and oh ya, i got pissed off by a bastard the day before. but its okay. now i hate all bastards!

loves;
9:56 PM;

i realised there's a taboo everytime i like some guy. coz i'm one who believes in horoscopes, and i will definately check the horoscopes everytime, and once i checked, its like gone. but i'm just really curious and all that.

okay, so maybe i've decided to stay on with my weekend job because of somebody. and its not that silly because i've got income coming in. just that i'll feel wasting my youth if nothing happen at all. but its still my choice, and i'll take it the way it goes.

he's smart
he's quick-witted
we have things in common
he's funny
he's practical
he's somewhat like me
he's what i wanted
i love to just see him even if its just 2 days per week
even if we don't really chat much anyways
yes, i like him.
and then everything turns complicated.

but yea, i'm still being a bitch and everything.
because the right one haven't appear.

loves;
9:26 PM;